For a few minutes, ignore everything people say and watch only what they do. It is not a very romantic method, I know, but it works remarkably well when choosing friends, partners, colleagues, employees and even certain relatives — although the returns department is more complicated in that last category.
Everyone can deliver a fine speech about loyalty, courage, generosity and punctuality. Punctuality in particular is often defended with passion by someone who is forty minutes late.
Words reveal intentions. Actions reveal priorities. When the two disagree, believe the one that had to get out of the chair.
Watch the small promises
You do not need to wait for a Greek tragedy to discover someone’s character. Small situations usually reveal the entire script. Do they arrive when they said they would? Return the call? Keep the agreement? Warn you when they cannot?
This does not mean demanding perfection. We all run late, forget and fail. The difference lies between someone who admits it, corrects it and learns, and someone who arrives carrying a ten-minute mystery and science-fiction screenplay explaining why, technically, the traffic, Mercury in retrograde and perhaps city hall were responsible.
Notice how they speak about people outside the room
Someone who finds only faults in everyone else will soon find a few in you — possibly the same ones, since the repertoire is often limited.
Look for people who can praise without feeling they lost a competition, thank without calculating a debt and criticise with a genuine desire to contribute. Useful criticism points to a problem and helps build an exit. Vain criticism leaves the problem in the middle of the table and walks away pleased with the decoration.
Generosity appears when nobody is taking pictures
Watch who helps when helping requires little: holding a door, sharing information, making an introduction, checking that someone arrived safely. Grand gestures impress; small ones reveal habit.
It is easy to look generous on a stage, in front of cameras and under suitable lighting. More interesting is the person who remains kind when there is no audience, no post and no chance to use the word ‘purpose’ in the caption.
People are also destinations
Company changes us quietly. We repeat expressions, absorb expectations and begin to accept as possible whatever the people around us consider possible.
Choosing who stays close is therefore not only an emotional decision. It is also a decision about the future. Some people enlarge the world. Others turn every possibility into a meeting about why it cannot be done.
Keep close those who work for something they believe in, honour their word, celebrate another person’s success and do not need to diminish anyone to appear larger.
The uncomfortable question
After assessing everyone with such elegant severity comes the less entertaining part: looking at yourself. Do you arrive when you said you would? Help when you can? Accept useful criticism? Keep small promises? Or are you apologising more than you are correcting?
Choosing good people matters. Being one of them is essential. A better life depends not only on which doors open, but on who walks through them beside us — and who we become along the way.